My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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