Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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