Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize