i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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