So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
