Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
