Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
