my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
