I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
