dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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