How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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