we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
