If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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