Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
