Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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