Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
