my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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