im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize
