someone threw a dead crab at me
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
