If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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