my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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