ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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