When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
