Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
