i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize