I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So here I am, sexting at work.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
