it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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