Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
