No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
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