What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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