you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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