Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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