maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
