I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
