oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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