What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
