The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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