Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
