Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
