my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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