??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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