you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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