Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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