I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
