You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
