Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
