i think my tv is drunk
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
