nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
