I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
