The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
