I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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