I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
