proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
