he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
