Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
