i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
