Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Randomize
