dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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