My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
