hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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