tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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