last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Please don't give away my fajitas
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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